Sunday, August 30, 2009

And on the third day

I'm in Hell.

I thought Los Angeles might be it.

Not close.

Even though the plane this morning flew over miles of fire and smoke.

The plane then flew over the most God forsaken country you ever saw.

Desert. Dry as chalk.

112 in the shade would have been a nice day.

And then we landed in the middle of it.

Every shade of bad character was there.

To begin with, the guy sitting next to me in 13B.

When you let down the little dinner tray thingy, I know it's hard to get your desktop computer to fit on there.

My pardner couldn't even let down the tray.

He was asking for an extender belt before he sat down.

Armrest etiquette?

His first level of flab was over the top of it. His second level was in my lap.

We landed, and the asshole had a wheelchair to take him out. Straight to the casino.

This is the jerk we will be paying Obamacare for.

He wheezed for an hour and a half.

We landed and I saw women in less clothing than my wife on honeymoon night.

Hubba-hos. Cootchie mamas. Trailer sluts.

Then, derelicts. Gamblers. Jerks of all kinds.

I felt so alone.

I didn't have one tattoo.

I didn't have one piercing.

I didn't own an Ed Hardy t-shirt.

I didn't have a woman that looked like a cartoon with me.

And this was just the Las Vegas Airport.

A cab ride later, we were at the Venetian.

I got to stand in line like at the California DMV to check in to my pre-prepaid room.

While in line, this is what I saw.

A woman that looked like a vampire prostitute.

Fifteen women in velour pants that looked like I had put last weeks 30 gallon Hefty bag in there.

Asian people with kids like this was Disneyland.

Women with less clothes on than any beer commercial you've ever seen. Most of them would not have been called back for a second casting.

Combovers.

Men in bad hats. Baseball caps. Guys trying to be cool wearing a hat my grandfather wouln't have worn 40 years ago.

Groups of women checking in for something. Whatever it was to be, it wasn't pretty.

I felt so alone.

As Alvin Lee sang so poignantly:


Everywhere is
Freaks and hairies
Dykes and fairies
Tell me where is sanity

Finally, I saw one normal guy.

One more African American dwarf.

We are going to Ghost Bar later.

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