Dear President Obama, Mayor Bloomberg, Speaker Pelosi and Senator Reid,
Our Founding Fathers and hundreds of millions of taxpayers are so thankful for folks like you. You have the good sense to know that we don't. Have good sense, that is. (Vice President Biden, I include you with the rest of us. Because everyone knows you don't have good sense.)
Thanks so much for all your efforts to reduce salt consumption, make our soda cups smaller and improve our health care system by making everyone's costs go up. We never would have figured any of that out.
While you are in power and at the peak of your infinite wisdom, there are a few other topics I wish you'd address on behalf of us in the public that so need you to think for us.
1. Shampoo: Could you please legislate that the word "SHAMPOO" be in 72 point type in a very legible serif font on all shampoo bottles sold in the U.S., please? I mean, who can read that itty-bitty type on those bottles especially without reading glasses and with water in their eyes!?!? This needs your immediate attention.
2. Golf clubs: We have clubs made of metal that are called woods. Or worse, metal woods. This is nonsense and must be stopped. And we need government intervention at once because the USGA and the PGA can't agree on whether one can putt with a long-handled putter. And if you will check even further into this cauldron of evil, you will discover that there is no standard for a 5 iron. Or a 1 iron, or a 2, or a 3. Each golf manufacturer can today decide for themselves what constitutes the degree of loft of a 7 iron and this must stop. And these hybrids! No governance whatsoever on what their definition is. Or whether you are to hit downwards into the ball or sweep the ball with these unregulated weapons. The anarchy in the golf shop rivals the town square in Istanbul. Help!
3. Cars: There is no standardization as to which side of the steering wheel the windshield wiper control is on. Or how many speeds the wipers have. And, there is no official rule as to where the button is to turn on the headlights. This taking place in the 21st century is a sign of lack of progressive thinking. And car keys? Let's get serious. There are as many different versions as there are pages in the Affordable Healthcare Act. It's sheer madness. You need to step in now. Only you can make it understandable for all of us. Maybe once you design a workable car for all of us you call it something like "The People's Car."
4. Baseball: The foul pole means that if a ball hits it, it's a fair ball. That's just crazy. Jump in here and fix this. And speaking of lack of standardization, America's national pastime can't decide if all nine players should have to bat the way the game is supposed to be played or if a "specialist" can hit in lieu of the pitcher. Isn't this out-and-out discrimination in the workplace to imply that pitchers cannot hit? You need to get several Federal bureaus and czars working on this.
Once you finish up these projects in the next Congressional session, there will be more to do. Like, how many teams have to be in something called the Big 10. Or Big 12. And this sexist mindset that allows Valentine's Day to continue unabated will no doubt require your intervention early next year.
In the meantime, on behalf of all of us, thanks again for doing our thinking for us.