So Iran has started their grab of oil with the takeover of an oilfield in Southern Iraq.
How amazing. The Shia in that area are more closely aligned with, and intimidated by, Iran than the feeble Iraqi government.
Watch the dominoes fall across Southern Iraq. Then Kuwait. Then the island states.
Dubai will be easy prey.
The Strait of Hormuz will become a chokepoint.
The Sauds are already on the phone asking for help from their biggest customer and biggest protector.
President Obama is soon to have a tough choice.
Convert our remaining forces in Iraq into a force to blunt Iran.
Or, say hello to oil priced by the Ayatollah.
I don't expect he'll be offering free coffee with a fill-up. At $5 per gallon.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
A Congresswoman that Gets It
Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen represents the 18th district of Florida, which includes Ft. Lauderdale, Miami and all the way to Key West.
She fled Cuba with her family to escape the oppressive Communist regime of Fidel Castro.
Perhaps it is her first hand knowledge of oppression that makes her such a strong advocate for protecting our freedoms.
Go get 'em, Ileana. We need more smart, tough freedom fighters like you.
Here is an op-ed piece she wrote that appeared in the Los Angeles Times on Monday.
December 14, 2009
latimes.com
Opinion
Hit Iran where it hurts
The U.S. must be prepared to use every weapon in its political and economic arsenal. The Iran Refined Petroleum Sanctions Act could provide such a tool.
By Ileana Ros-Lehtinen
December 14, 2009
Behind closed doors, the Iranian regime probably cannot conceal its surprise and delight at what it has gotten away with. For more than 10 years, Tehran has succeeded in deceiving foreign governments, thwarting nuclear inspectors and keeping sanctions weak and feckless. During that time, Iran has not broken stride in expanding its nuclear program, and it has now announced plans for 10 new enrichment facilities.
Tehran's greatest feat has been its success in lulling global leaders -- including many in the U.S. administration and Congress -- into complacency, based on the belief that the threat posed by Iran's nuclear weapons program can be negotiated away through engagement and concessions by the West. This approach also largely ignores the totality of Iran's multifaceted threat.
The range and accuracy of Tehran's ballistic missiles continue to improve, with U.S. forces and allies in the Middle East and Europe now within striking distance. Iran is also quickly accumulating an array of advanced conventional weapons in its effort to dominate the Persian Gulf and the world's oil supply.
Iran is designated by the U.S. as the leading state sponsor of terrorism, and it is supporting extremist organizations throughout the Middle East and beyond, reaching even into Latin America. Iran has also assumed a major role in fueling the insurgency in Iraq and is backing Taliban militants in Afghanistan.
Many U.S. officials and congressional leaders seem content to engage in vague and open-ended talks with Iran, acting as though we have a reservoir of time to work with before the Iranian threat reaches critical mass. Yet, in June, the International Atomic Energy Agency, or IAEA, estimated that Iran had already amassed a stockpile of nearly 1,400 kilograms of enriched uranium, which it could use in a "dirty bomb" or pass along to extremist groups or other rogue states.
Just last month, the IAEA made the startling revelation that Iranian scientists may have tested advanced components of nuclear warheads. Nuclear experts note that such technology, once mastered, would allow for the production of smaller and simpler nuclear bombs, and would make it easier for Iran to put a nuclear warhead on a missile. This represents a step that few in the West believed possible.
The IAEA also issued a report last month containing urgent new findings. One was that yet another camouflaged nuclear facility, this time at the recently disclosed Qom site, was at "an advanced state of construction." With additional installations widely suspected, who knows what will be uncovered next.
The IAEA should immediately cease all technical assistance to Iran and should suspend Iran's membership privileges in the organization. Until such actions are taken, the U.S. should not send one more penny of taxpayer funds to the IAEA that benefit Iran's nuclear program.
The regime in Tehran knows only hardball, and nothing less than overwhelming and crippling sanctions could produce a reversal of its threatening programs and policies.
That is why the United States must be prepared to act alone, if necessary, and with every weapon in its political and economic arsenal. The Iran Refined Petroleum Sanctions Act is one such tool. This legislation, which I coauthored, has the support of more than 300 members of the House, and it is urgent that this bill reaches the president's desk before the end of the year. It targets one of Iran's major weaknesses -- namely, its dependency on foreign gasoline and other refined petroleum products. By placing financial sanctions on U.S. and foreign companies providing these crucial resources, Iran's economic lifeline would be severed and its already weak economy would crumble.
But these sanctions must be coupled with action on all fronts. The U.S. must also specifically reject Iran's claim to an inalienable right to produce nuclear fuel. We must strengthen existing laws to prevent the transfer of prohibited materials and technology to Iran. Responsible nations should impose a ban on travel by senior Iranian regime officials and their families to Europe and the U.S. We should strengthen bilateral and multilateral efforts to shut down accounts of those doing business with the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps or its affiliated entities; deny Tehran access to euros and U.S. dollars; and freeze the assets of those who violate U.N. sanctions on Iran. Concurrently, we should offer our full support to the Iranian people and increase funding for Iran democracy programs.
The weakness of recent actions has been daunting. The IAEA mustered only a weak censure of Iran; the U.N. Security Council has said that it was disappointed; the White House has maintained its wait-and-see approach; and the Iran Refined Petroleum Sanctions Act continues to languish because many remain true believers in the mirage of engagement. However, the threat is immediate, and the time to act has arrived.
Ileana Ros-Lehtinen (R-Fla.) is the ranking Republican on the House Foreign Affairs Committee.
She fled Cuba with her family to escape the oppressive Communist regime of Fidel Castro.
Perhaps it is her first hand knowledge of oppression that makes her such a strong advocate for protecting our freedoms.
Go get 'em, Ileana. We need more smart, tough freedom fighters like you.
Here is an op-ed piece she wrote that appeared in the Los Angeles Times on Monday.
December 14, 2009
latimes.com
Opinion
Hit Iran where it hurts
The U.S. must be prepared to use every weapon in its political and economic arsenal. The Iran Refined Petroleum Sanctions Act could provide such a tool.
By Ileana Ros-Lehtinen
December 14, 2009
Behind closed doors, the Iranian regime probably cannot conceal its surprise and delight at what it has gotten away with. For more than 10 years, Tehran has succeeded in deceiving foreign governments, thwarting nuclear inspectors and keeping sanctions weak and feckless. During that time, Iran has not broken stride in expanding its nuclear program, and it has now announced plans for 10 new enrichment facilities.
Tehran's greatest feat has been its success in lulling global leaders -- including many in the U.S. administration and Congress -- into complacency, based on the belief that the threat posed by Iran's nuclear weapons program can be negotiated away through engagement and concessions by the West. This approach also largely ignores the totality of Iran's multifaceted threat.
The range and accuracy of Tehran's ballistic missiles continue to improve, with U.S. forces and allies in the Middle East and Europe now within striking distance. Iran is also quickly accumulating an array of advanced conventional weapons in its effort to dominate the Persian Gulf and the world's oil supply.
Iran is designated by the U.S. as the leading state sponsor of terrorism, and it is supporting extremist organizations throughout the Middle East and beyond, reaching even into Latin America. Iran has also assumed a major role in fueling the insurgency in Iraq and is backing Taliban militants in Afghanistan.
Many U.S. officials and congressional leaders seem content to engage in vague and open-ended talks with Iran, acting as though we have a reservoir of time to work with before the Iranian threat reaches critical mass. Yet, in June, the International Atomic Energy Agency, or IAEA, estimated that Iran had already amassed a stockpile of nearly 1,400 kilograms of enriched uranium, which it could use in a "dirty bomb" or pass along to extremist groups or other rogue states.
Just last month, the IAEA made the startling revelation that Iranian scientists may have tested advanced components of nuclear warheads. Nuclear experts note that such technology, once mastered, would allow for the production of smaller and simpler nuclear bombs, and would make it easier for Iran to put a nuclear warhead on a missile. This represents a step that few in the West believed possible.
The IAEA also issued a report last month containing urgent new findings. One was that yet another camouflaged nuclear facility, this time at the recently disclosed Qom site, was at "an advanced state of construction." With additional installations widely suspected, who knows what will be uncovered next.
The IAEA should immediately cease all technical assistance to Iran and should suspend Iran's membership privileges in the organization. Until such actions are taken, the U.S. should not send one more penny of taxpayer funds to the IAEA that benefit Iran's nuclear program.
The regime in Tehran knows only hardball, and nothing less than overwhelming and crippling sanctions could produce a reversal of its threatening programs and policies.
That is why the United States must be prepared to act alone, if necessary, and with every weapon in its political and economic arsenal. The Iran Refined Petroleum Sanctions Act is one such tool. This legislation, which I coauthored, has the support of more than 300 members of the House, and it is urgent that this bill reaches the president's desk before the end of the year. It targets one of Iran's major weaknesses -- namely, its dependency on foreign gasoline and other refined petroleum products. By placing financial sanctions on U.S. and foreign companies providing these crucial resources, Iran's economic lifeline would be severed and its already weak economy would crumble.
But these sanctions must be coupled with action on all fronts. The U.S. must also specifically reject Iran's claim to an inalienable right to produce nuclear fuel. We must strengthen existing laws to prevent the transfer of prohibited materials and technology to Iran. Responsible nations should impose a ban on travel by senior Iranian regime officials and their families to Europe and the U.S. We should strengthen bilateral and multilateral efforts to shut down accounts of those doing business with the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps or its affiliated entities; deny Tehran access to euros and U.S. dollars; and freeze the assets of those who violate U.N. sanctions on Iran. Concurrently, we should offer our full support to the Iranian people and increase funding for Iran democracy programs.
The weakness of recent actions has been daunting. The IAEA mustered only a weak censure of Iran; the U.N. Security Council has said that it was disappointed; the White House has maintained its wait-and-see approach; and the Iran Refined Petroleum Sanctions Act continues to languish because many remain true believers in the mirage of engagement. However, the threat is immediate, and the time to act has arrived.
Ileana Ros-Lehtinen (R-Fla.) is the ranking Republican on the House Foreign Affairs Committee.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Who are "We the People"?
Ever seen this horrific image?
Those are the bodies of two Americans hanging from a bridge in Fallujah, Iraq on March 31, 2004.
These two Americans were killed with two others as they provided a security escort for a catering company. They worked for Blackwater.
Hand grenades were thrown at their vehicle. As they exited the burning cars, they were hit with small arms fire. Once dead, they were doused with gasoline, dragged thru the streets of Fallujah, mutilated, and then two of them were hung from the bridge. The other two were eventually found in the Euphrates River.
The San Francisco Chronicle reported that in ” a macabre and murderous town fete, locals cheered as one corpse was attached to a car tow rope and pulled triumphantly up and down the main road….”
The article noted that “In terms of its sheer bestial violence, the attack on the Blackwater operatives was unprecedented….”
Dead were Scott Helvenston, Jerry Jerko, Wesley Batalona, Michael Teague.
Real young men. Doing a legal job. Sons, brothers, husbands, fathers. Hung like charred rats for the world to see.
The mastermind of this attack was Ahmed Hashim Abed. He was code named "Objective Amber", and has been one of the most wanted terrorists in Iraq since 2004.
On September 3 of this year, Navy SEALs captured Abed.
Abed has now complained that during his capture and detention by the SEALs, he was punched in the stomach, and that he also sustained a bloody lip.
Abed made his complaint to Iraqi authorities to whom he was handed over to by the SEALs. He is now back in American custody at an unidentified location.
And amazingly, the U.S. Navy has now arraigned three SEALs based on Abed's complaint.
Julio Huertas, 28, Mattthew McCabe, 24, and Jonathan Keefe, 25, will face a court martial on this in early 2010.
Now imagine what these young men had to risk to capture Abed. And, know that they knew what he had done in Fallujah and other places.
The guy that lit the fuse on all of this, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the mastermind behind 9/11, has now been guaranteed a trial on U.S. soil. With all rights granted by the U.S. judicial system.
Meanwhile, three Navy SEALs, young men that risked their lives to capture murderous scumbags like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and Ahmed Hashim Abed, are living in limbo facing the possibility of being demoted, potential brig time, and a dishonorable discharge.
And, they will be tried in the military system. The place where Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was to have been tried until Attorney General Holder decided to treat him to the benefits of the American justice system.
If this bothers you, you can do something about it.
There is a Facebook page to show your support for these heroes.
http://www.facebook.com/search/?q=support+navy+seals&init=quick#/group.php?v=wall&ref=search&gid=201355981560
And, you can write your Senators and Representatives. Already, two letters have been sent to Defense Secretary Gates and the head of Special Ops by bipartisan groups of Congressmen. We need this idiocy to stop.
"We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America."
When and how did foreign enemies of the United States become part of "we the people"?
Monday, December 14, 2009
Student Athletes
Tennessee football recruits Corey Miller (80) and Brandon Willis pose with Tennessee recruiting hostesses Dahra Johnson (left) and Lacey Earps after a game at Byrnes High in Duncan, S.C., on Sept. 25.
The University of Tennessee football program is under investigation for illegal use of hands.
And these young women are majoring in sports management. Hoping to work directly under Tiger Woods.
Nothing newsworthy about any of this. Been going on since an athlete named Samson got recruited by the Philistine Lions.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Is It Ever a Good Time to Die?
Feelin' allright?
I'm not feelin' too good myself.
-Dave Mason, 1968
One of my best friends lost his mom last night.
Another friend lost his wife yesterday.
My mom went home seven years ago this month.
Pete left two years ago in November.
I'm a bit stove up at the moment with sadness for my friends and memories of my own.
Why is it harder this time of year?
Or, is it?
None of us gets out of here alive.
Why don't we prepare ourselves better?
The birth of a child is filled with months (sometimes years) of excited anticipation. We celebrate the event every year.
But how often do we talk about the certain death that is to come for each of us? What are we afraid of?
Like, not talking about it is going to make it not happen?
We all have a terminal disease. It's called life.
There are lots of grief counselors. Lots of grief songs. Lots of grief books. I've listened to and read lots of them.
And I've learned there are no magic words to heal what ails me.
Maybe there should be a new movement started to get us ready for the inevitable.
Give death a new name. Rebrand it. Learn to celebrate it's normalcy.
Call it something catchy. Like, Culmination Day.
Teach it to our children. Sing songs about it. Write poems about it.
So that it doesn't shock us. So that it doesn't leave those of us behind with such an emotional toll.
Maybe we have a warped sense of our mortality. In a world where it seems that nothing is impossible, how can something like death not be avoided?
We live so well. Maybe too well. We live healthier, longer.
Maybe we need to get our heads (or at least mine) out of the sand and realize the circle of life includes us. And mine. And me.
I hear you Pete. Yes, Mom.
"Get off my ass and quit with the pity party."
Thanks. I will.
'Cause there's too much to do before I die.
I'm not feelin' too good myself.
-Dave Mason, 1968
One of my best friends lost his mom last night.
Another friend lost his wife yesterday.
My mom went home seven years ago this month.
Pete left two years ago in November.
I'm a bit stove up at the moment with sadness for my friends and memories of my own.
Why is it harder this time of year?
Or, is it?
None of us gets out of here alive.
Why don't we prepare ourselves better?
The birth of a child is filled with months (sometimes years) of excited anticipation. We celebrate the event every year.
But how often do we talk about the certain death that is to come for each of us? What are we afraid of?
Like, not talking about it is going to make it not happen?
We all have a terminal disease. It's called life.
There are lots of grief counselors. Lots of grief songs. Lots of grief books. I've listened to and read lots of them.
And I've learned there are no magic words to heal what ails me.
Maybe there should be a new movement started to get us ready for the inevitable.
Give death a new name. Rebrand it. Learn to celebrate it's normalcy.
Call it something catchy. Like, Culmination Day.
Teach it to our children. Sing songs about it. Write poems about it.
So that it doesn't shock us. So that it doesn't leave those of us behind with such an emotional toll.
Maybe we have a warped sense of our mortality. In a world where it seems that nothing is impossible, how can something like death not be avoided?
We live so well. Maybe too well. We live healthier, longer.
Maybe we need to get our heads (or at least mine) out of the sand and realize the circle of life includes us. And mine. And me.
I hear you Pete. Yes, Mom.
"Get off my ass and quit with the pity party."
Thanks. I will.
'Cause there's too much to do before I die.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Fur is Flying
I live in Texas. Have a lost a cat or two over the years.
For all I know, Cruella de Ville may be wearing them to the next Dallas big-haired, big-busted, big-blonded celebritycharityathon.
But I suspect coyotes.
Having two new cats, I decided to do a little research.
Good golly Miss Molly, what a mess I've stumbled onto.
Who'd a thunk there would be spin-meisters of Paul Begala's level and high-pitched caterwauling between rival animal rights groups who have latched on to the coyote versus cat (or vice versa) issue.
So, here's how it started.
A couple of professors published an article on coyotes and cats.
These two professors surely didn't expect the dust-up to follow. All they were doing was their required "publish or perish" work to continue their search for tenure.
Here are the highlights.
Journal of Wildlife Management 73(5):683-685. 2009
doi: 10.2193/2008-033
Observations of Coyote–Cat Interactions
Shannon E. Grubbsa and Paul R. Krausman1b
aGraduate Research Assistant, University of Arizona, School of Natural Resources, Biological Sciences E 325, Tucson, AZ 85721, USA
bBoone and Crockett Professor of Wildlife, Wildlife Biology Program, University of Montana, Missoula, MT 59812, USA
1E-mail: Paul.Krausman@umontana.edu
Abstract
Coyotes (Canis latrans) pose a risk to domestic cats (Felis catus). We captured, radiocollared, and tracked 8 coyotes from November 2005 to February 2006 for 790 hours in Tucson, Arizona, USA. We observed 36 coyote–cat interactions; 19 resulted in coyotes killing cats. Most cats were killed in residential areas from 2200 hours to 0500 hours during the pup-rearing season. Single coyotes were as effective killing cats as were groups (>1) of coyotes. Documented cases of predators killing cats could encourage cat owners to keep their cats indoors and assist wildlife managers in addressing urban wildlife issues.
Thanks for pointing this out, perfessers.
And yippee for the good kitty surviving or better in half of these altercations.
As I continued reading the Google postings on this topic, this article keeps popping up.
Guess who's latched on to this "research" and is now peddling it? The American Bird Conservancy.
Yep. The good folks at the ABC are using this info to scare cat owners into never letting their cats outdoors.
Guess why.
Cats like to chase birds. And sometimes, the cats get one.
"Birding organizations such as the American Bird Conservancy (ABC), which estimates that free-roaming cats kill more than 100 million birds each year, were quick to encourage cat owners to keep cats inside", reports the usually more reliable Christian Science Monitor that has now swallowed the hook on this non-story.
If one of my none to excitable cats would just put a scare into the grackles I would give him a pound of fresh lox.
But the story is not nearly over.
Oh, no. The good folks at the ABC have now offended the good folks at the Feral Cat Coalition.
“The bird people are always exaggerating the danger cats pose,” says Carol Ameer, treasurer of the San Diego-based Feral Cat Coalition.
The perfessers must be amazed that their half-assed study of 36 coyotes has now become real live research that these other Nimrods have glommed onto and turned into a bitch fight that has nothing to do with coyotes.
Seems to me the obvious missing headline in all of this is:
"Coyotes Getting Their Asses Kicked by Pussies."
For all I know, Cruella de Ville may be wearing them to the next Dallas big-haired, big-busted, big-blonded celebritycharityathon.
But I suspect coyotes.
Having two new cats, I decided to do a little research.
Good golly Miss Molly, what a mess I've stumbled onto.
Who'd a thunk there would be spin-meisters of Paul Begala's level and high-pitched caterwauling between rival animal rights groups who have latched on to the coyote versus cat (or vice versa) issue.
So, here's how it started.
A couple of professors published an article on coyotes and cats.
These two professors surely didn't expect the dust-up to follow. All they were doing was their required "publish or perish" work to continue their search for tenure.
Here are the highlights.
Journal of Wildlife Management 73(5):683-685. 2009
doi: 10.2193/2008-033
Observations of Coyote–Cat Interactions
Shannon E. Grubbsa and Paul R. Krausman1b
aGraduate Research Assistant, University of Arizona, School of Natural Resources, Biological Sciences E 325, Tucson, AZ 85721, USA
bBoone and Crockett Professor of Wildlife, Wildlife Biology Program, University of Montana, Missoula, MT 59812, USA
1E-mail: Paul.Krausman@umontana.edu
Abstract
Coyotes (Canis latrans) pose a risk to domestic cats (Felis catus). We captured, radiocollared, and tracked 8 coyotes from November 2005 to February 2006 for 790 hours in Tucson, Arizona, USA. We observed 36 coyote–cat interactions; 19 resulted in coyotes killing cats. Most cats were killed in residential areas from 2200 hours to 0500 hours during the pup-rearing season. Single coyotes were as effective killing cats as were groups (>1) of coyotes. Documented cases of predators killing cats could encourage cat owners to keep their cats indoors and assist wildlife managers in addressing urban wildlife issues.
Thanks for pointing this out, perfessers.
And yippee for the good kitty surviving or better in half of these altercations.
As I continued reading the Google postings on this topic, this article keeps popping up.
Guess who's latched on to this "research" and is now peddling it? The American Bird Conservancy.
Yep. The good folks at the ABC are using this info to scare cat owners into never letting their cats outdoors.
Guess why.
Cats like to chase birds. And sometimes, the cats get one.
"Birding organizations such as the American Bird Conservancy (ABC), which estimates that free-roaming cats kill more than 100 million birds each year, were quick to encourage cat owners to keep cats inside", reports the usually more reliable Christian Science Monitor that has now swallowed the hook on this non-story.
If one of my none to excitable cats would just put a scare into the grackles I would give him a pound of fresh lox.
But the story is not nearly over.
Oh, no. The good folks at the ABC have now offended the good folks at the Feral Cat Coalition.
“The bird people are always exaggerating the danger cats pose,” says Carol Ameer, treasurer of the San Diego-based Feral Cat Coalition.
The perfessers must be amazed that their half-assed study of 36 coyotes has now become real live research that these other Nimrods have glommed onto and turned into a bitch fight that has nothing to do with coyotes.
Seems to me the obvious missing headline in all of this is:
"Coyotes Getting Their Asses Kicked by Pussies."
Friday, December 4, 2009
Baby, It's Cold Outside
Winter isn't here. But it sure feels like it.
So while we're whining about it, here's a story that will make it all better.
A dear friend is known to his friends as The Doctor.
He makes his living in the apparel industry. But he has this presence that makes it easy to sell him to the unsuspecting as The Doctor.
He has been a neurosurgeon that has performed the only successful brain transplant, a heart surgeon when it helped us get a table in New York, and at least once a plastic surgeon specializing in breast implants.
So anyway, The Doctor was on a weeks long sourcing trip in China.
He returned to his home near Green Bay, Wisconsin one really cold winter night.
He slipped and spun his two wheel drive Lexus home from the airport. It's after midnight on a day that began in Shanghai.
Jet-lagged, exhausted, he lugs his bags to the front door up the icy walkway and narrowly avoids falling on his butt. (Oh, that's right. He was also once a proctologist.)
Unlocks the front door and has that "I made it home" euphoric moment.
Stumbles inside, sits on the couch, and begins to peel off the layers of clothing.
Then he hears a dripping sound from the kitchen.
Begins looking for the drip, can't find it, but notices that it is really cold in the house. He can see his breath in the kitchen.
Checks the thermostat. The heat is set for on, but there is no heat in the house.
About this time, nature calls.
Goes to the downstairs toilet. It's frozen.
Goes to the upstairs toilets. They're frozen.
Now nature is calling more urgently, and it has become a conference call.
The Doctor is in agony.
He is a dignified, discreet man. In all the times we've played golf together, I've never seen him take a whizz outside.
So he now faces Hobson's choice. Go outside for relief, or don't and deal with the consequences.
He makes the hardest decision of his life, and walks out the back door.
It is blessedly dark. He finds a sheltered spot behind the wood pile.
Drops trou.
And then the motion detector floodlights on the outside of his house come on. He remembers installing them a few weeks ago for added protection while he traveled.
He feels like he's on "Cops".
He hurries to finish his business. At which time it occurs to him there is no Charmin' to squeeze out behind the woodpile.
As he sits their squatting in his embarrassment and anguish, he notices the dog. The neighbor's dog has been watching this all. He convinces himself the dog will tell.
The Doctor goes back into the house.
It's freezing. It is two in the morning.
He calls the heating guy, who actually answers.
The Doctor is told that it's probably just a pilot light that had blown out.
The heating guy comes in the middle of the night. Fires up the heater.
Then delivers this news.
"Your pipes are going to start busting as it warms up. First will be the upstairs bathrooms, and then downstairs. If you have anything you don't want ruined, you might want to start moving it now. You have about 30 minutes."
The Doctor recalls all the precious stuff in the basement. Family heirlooms. Photos.
He moves like Speed Racer up and down the stairs to get everything in the basement to the already stuffed detached garage.
He moves the furniture around to try to get it as best he can out of harm's way.
Then sits on the couch, and listens as the pipes begin to groan. Then watches as the water starts to come thru the celing from upstairs bathroom one. Then upstairs bathroom two.
And then the pipes below him on the first floor go.
The good news is he can't hear the dripping any more in the kitchen.
So while we're whining about it, here's a story that will make it all better.
A dear friend is known to his friends as The Doctor.
He makes his living in the apparel industry. But he has this presence that makes it easy to sell him to the unsuspecting as The Doctor.
He has been a neurosurgeon that has performed the only successful brain transplant, a heart surgeon when it helped us get a table in New York, and at least once a plastic surgeon specializing in breast implants.
So anyway, The Doctor was on a weeks long sourcing trip in China.
He returned to his home near Green Bay, Wisconsin one really cold winter night.
He slipped and spun his two wheel drive Lexus home from the airport. It's after midnight on a day that began in Shanghai.
Jet-lagged, exhausted, he lugs his bags to the front door up the icy walkway and narrowly avoids falling on his butt. (Oh, that's right. He was also once a proctologist.)
Unlocks the front door and has that "I made it home" euphoric moment.
Stumbles inside, sits on the couch, and begins to peel off the layers of clothing.
Then he hears a dripping sound from the kitchen.
Begins looking for the drip, can't find it, but notices that it is really cold in the house. He can see his breath in the kitchen.
Checks the thermostat. The heat is set for on, but there is no heat in the house.
About this time, nature calls.
Goes to the downstairs toilet. It's frozen.
Goes to the upstairs toilets. They're frozen.
Now nature is calling more urgently, and it has become a conference call.
The Doctor is in agony.
He is a dignified, discreet man. In all the times we've played golf together, I've never seen him take a whizz outside.
So he now faces Hobson's choice. Go outside for relief, or don't and deal with the consequences.
He makes the hardest decision of his life, and walks out the back door.
It is blessedly dark. He finds a sheltered spot behind the wood pile.
Drops trou.
And then the motion detector floodlights on the outside of his house come on. He remembers installing them a few weeks ago for added protection while he traveled.
He feels like he's on "Cops".
He hurries to finish his business. At which time it occurs to him there is no Charmin' to squeeze out behind the woodpile.
As he sits their squatting in his embarrassment and anguish, he notices the dog. The neighbor's dog has been watching this all. He convinces himself the dog will tell.
The Doctor goes back into the house.
It's freezing. It is two in the morning.
He calls the heating guy, who actually answers.
The Doctor is told that it's probably just a pilot light that had blown out.
The heating guy comes in the middle of the night. Fires up the heater.
Then delivers this news.
"Your pipes are going to start busting as it warms up. First will be the upstairs bathrooms, and then downstairs. If you have anything you don't want ruined, you might want to start moving it now. You have about 30 minutes."
The Doctor recalls all the precious stuff in the basement. Family heirlooms. Photos.
He moves like Speed Racer up and down the stairs to get everything in the basement to the already stuffed detached garage.
He moves the furniture around to try to get it as best he can out of harm's way.
Then sits on the couch, and listens as the pipes begin to groan. Then watches as the water starts to come thru the celing from upstairs bathroom one. Then upstairs bathroom two.
And then the pipes below him on the first floor go.
The good news is he can't hear the dripping any more in the kitchen.
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