Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Introducing the world's newest airline

Welcome to Freedom Air.

We are a new airline, designed for today's marketplace.

We are totally different from any airline you've ever flown.

We will make sure your air travel is on time, safe, free of hassles, and productive.

We will have a few different procedures, but you will appreciate the end result.

We believe air travel is not an entitlement. It is a privilege. And it is our job to protect the safety, sanity, time and individual freedoms of our passengers.

When you call us to book a reservation, you will need to provide us your passport information and your bank information. We do not accept cash. Particularly from Nigerian's who have recently spent time in Yemen and whose own father reported to the U.S. Embassy.

Once we have decided to accept your reservation, we will then ensure that your payment is coming from a bank or credit card that is legitimate.

And, we at Freedom Air will decide who flies and who doesn't. If you don't like it, fine. Walk. Take a bus.

For example, if you are a member of the ACLU, the group that contends that all-body scanners at airports are an invasion of privacy, you ain't flyin' with us.

If you are from Yemen, Saudi Arabia, Iran, Iraq, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Syria, Lebanon, Somalia or other places where radical Islamists are allowed to live and prosper, you should make other plans.

If you have a child under 6 years old, you can leave them with grandma. No screaming kids allowed. It obviously makes the kids unhappy, not to mention the other 300 folks on the plane.

You will appreciate our efficient check-in system.

No carry on anything.

No purses. No computer bags. No handheld anything including your boarding pass, which we will stamp on your forehead. This includes cellphones, PDAs, smartphones, iPods, etc. The stuff assholes refuse to turn off after repeated requests by flight attendants.

When you get to our check-in area, you will be handed a Hefty bag. Strip. Naked. Put your clothes and shoes into the bag.

You will then meet our friendly team of Freedom Sniffers. These are our canine friends that will sniff every orafice you have to make sure you aren't hiding anything. If the Sniffers even sense you are fooling around, you will then be given the shocker by our team of cold-handed proctologists.

Once you have passed security, we understand some of you may have modesty concerns. We will have complimentary pasties and g-strings. For an extra $3.99, we have the amazing twirling-tassle pastie. And for just $9.99 more, the Swarovski crystal bedecked g-string.

Your Hefty bag of garments will be loaded on the plane, and will be given back to you once we reach our destination.

Once on board, you will marvel at the technology there to keep you in touch. Every seat has an internet connected computer and telephone so you can stay in touch all along the way.

And comfort. Every passenger gets their own blanket and pillow that is yours to keep. In fact, we insist you take it with you. Nobody wants to share germs with whoever sat there before.

And you will appreciate the added sense of security provided by our flight crew. They are all former Special Ops folks and have worked for Xe, Blackwater, and the CIA. And nope, they will not be naked. And they are all armed six ways to Sunday.

But, you will all be served a real meal with real utensils. You want to try to take one of our birds over with a butter knife? Our team of flight safety folks will be happy to accomodate you. And you will then be passed thru a wood chipper and deposited as compost in a convenient area from 30,000 feet.

Imagine the safety you will sense. Imagine the time you will save. Imagine the frustrations you will avoid.

Arrive safe. On-time. Relaxed.

And we have a simple fare system that anyone can understand. You won't have to worry if the knucklehead next to you paid half what you did.

We charge by the mile. We know that's much different than say, oh, a fare of $800 to fly from Dallas to Northeast Arkansas when the same airline will charge you $300 to fly from Dallas to Seattle.

Nope, common sense wins out here at Freedom Air.

Come fly with us. Our in-flight entertainment this month is the movie Fitna that has been banned from distribution on the internet due to concerns about retaliation from radical Islamists.

And for our longer flights, a made for Freedom Air movie premiere, The Satanic Verses, starring Salman Rushdie and Padma Lakshmi.

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