Monday, December 21, 2009

I gots a vine growin' out my jo-jo

Some steak house owners started advertising themselves as "Ten Best Steakhouses in America" years ago in airline inflight magazines. That was a lie. But it apparently worked.

And, it started a regrettable trend. Now in those magazines, you see lists of the "best" Italian restaurants. "Best" seafood restaurants. And so on. All lies. But it must be working.

So, now you see ads listing the "best" doctors in the country. Says who?

Anyway, on a flight yesterday, I perused one of these doctor ads. And one of these blowhards listed his specialty, and it was a new one for me.

Cosmetic vaginal surgery.

I blinked twice, looked again, and yep, he is a specialist in cosmetic vaginal surgery.

Apparently, I've been living in the country for too long. This is a big industry.

Billions of dollars spent by women getting their hoo-hoos nipped and tucked. One doctor in Los Angeles reports doing over $250k a month in tootchie touch-ups.

(I'm wondering if Obamacare is going to cover this. Afterall, it is reported that Nancy Pelosi has had so many facelifts she has to raise her left arm to whiz. But, she can do it standing up, so there is an upside.)

Women, if there was ever any question that you were stronger than men, this proves it beyond a doubt.

First, you have made it popular and expected to allow someone to pour hot wax in your lap and then experience a scene like the Steve Carell chest wax job in "The 40 Year Old Virgin".

Men get squeamish just thinking about the possibility.

And now, you are giving lots of money to doctors who promise to take a knife to your cootchie snorchers.


But this research made me wonder, are there men stupid enough to allow someone to cut on their willie?

And by George, there are.

I swear the following is reprinted exactly as it appears on

By Brian Alexander contributor
updated 1:08 p.m. CT, Thurs., June 9, 2005

When I first interviewed Toronto doctor Robert H. Stubbs way back in 1994, he was a pioneer of a new surgical technique that could add length to a man’s penis. He learned the basics of the procedure from a Chinese physician named Dr. Long.

Yes, Stubbs. Long. Penis lengthening.

So there are a few. But many fewer men going for johnson overhauls than women getting their lady gardens hoed.

And here's why. Men, read the following and see if your face doesn't squinch up.

"The operation also requires extensive after-care, including, insists Stubbs, a regimen of hanging weights off your ding-dong, and even after all that the results are not typically spectacular."

This cosmetic vaginal surgery information would have been handy for a friend of a friend a few years back.

This fellow was doing his residency in an emergency room in New Orleans.

A middle aged woman was in one of the rooms when the young doctor walked in.

"What brings you to the hospital today?"

"I gots a vine growin' out my jo-jo."

The young doctor wasn't familiar with this ailment, so he suggested he give her a thorough examination. He took out his stethoscope and began listening to her lungs and heart.

The woman grabbed the end of the scope and speaks into it, "Doctor, I said I gots a vine growin out my jo-jo."

Young Marcus Welby then had the woman point to her jo-jo, cause he couldn't recall this term from anatomy class.

Once the area was identified, he indeed did see a vine.

Seems this lady had birthed thirteen children and her insides had started to come outside.

So she had placed a potato in her mail slot to keep everything in place.

Would love to know how one of the ten "best" doctors in America would have handled that one.

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