Friday, October 23, 2009

Want to shag?

English is an official language of at least 50 countries.

None of those countries is the United States of America.

The U.S. has never had an official language.

At the very beginnings of the nation, John Adams proposed an official, government sponsored academy of the English language. According to some historians, the proposal was "rejected as undemocratic and a threat to individual liberty" by the Continental Congress.

The Founding Fathers apparently saw the use of ancestral languages as a right, and didn't want the country to have a single official language, just as it has no official religion.

When Columbus landed here, there were over 300 languages spoken. Most were Native languages. English wasn't one of them.

Some states have adopted an official language policy. They are listed below. Some might surprise you.

States with official English:

* Alabama
* Alaska
* Arizona
* Arkansas
* California
* Colorado
* Florida
* Georgia
* Hawaii
* Idaho
* Illinois
* Indiana
* Iowa
* Kansas
* Kentucky
* Louisiana
* Massachusetts
* Mississippi
* Missouri
* Montana
* Nebraska
* New Hampshire
* North Carolina
* North Dakota
* South Carolina
* South Dakota
* Tennessee
* Utah
* Virginia
* Wyoming

States without official English:

* Connecticut
* Delaware
* Maine
* Maryland
* Michigan
* Minnesota
* Nevada
* New Jersey
* New Mexico
* New York
* Ohio
* Oklahoma
* Oregon
* Pennsylvania
* Rhode Island
* Texas
* Vermont
* Washington
* West Virginia
* Wisconsin

And, exactly what is the English language?

Is it what they speak in England?

Cause what they speak in England, we don't speak here.

For instance, I was speaking with an Englishter earlier this week.

He was strolling down memory lane recalling, "When me mum would push me in the pram to the market for some biscuits."

Upon further review, he meant "When my mother would put me in the baby carriage and walk to the supermarket to buy some cookies."

Oh, bollocks. We shouldn't be calling for English to be the official language. Until we define English.

How would you like to pull into to see your mechanic and have him say, "Open the bonnet and we'll see why petrol is coming out the silencer."

Or, go to school and have your teacher say, "Class, have your pencil and rubber at the ready."

Or, show off your newborn baby and have a friend say, "What a cute dummy."

Or, order breakfast and have the waitress ask, "Do you want a banger?"

No, this English is dangerous stuff.

I know of a young British woman that decided to come to the United States to work after graduating university. (That's how they say "finished college".)

She went to work for a famous department store in the Southeast.

Her boss was a native North Carolinian. A proud Southerner.

On her first day, she went into his office to get acquainted.

She asked what he liked to do when he wasn't working.

"Shag. Just love to shag. Most weekends, my wife and I go to the coast and go to shag parties. You should come with us sometime. We're really good at it. As a matter of fact, these trophies on my credenza are all for shagging."

The young woman, shaking, made it back to her desk. She immediately called her mother in London.

"Mommy. You were so spot on about these Americans. They are brazen. They have no honor or shame. They give themselves trophies for screwing in public."

The Continental Congress knew what they were doing.

Had they adopted English as the official language, I would have a real problem.

Enlgish, as in over there English, has a derivation called Cockney Rhyming Slang.

So, instead of saying, "Go upstairs", they might say "Up the apple". See, stairs rhymes with pears. Apples and pears means stairs.

My last name is Burks.

In Cockney Rhyming Slang, there is a term, "Berkley Hunt".

Hunt rhymes with, well, something I can't say out loud.

So, a Burk is one of those.

No sir. No official English for me.

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