Tuesday, March 17, 2009

How I Narrowly Averted World War III

Well, with some help from Brian.

In fact, had it not been for Brian, we would have never been so close to Armageddon.

So I’m in Toronto this past weekend. The kind of place those of us who work for “the company” like to go. Lots of internationals. Lots of intrigue.

My close associate, whom we shall forever call Brian, because his name is Brian, met me for lunch. Bistro 990. Very chic. Steak frites for me.

We cross the wide boulevard to go back to the hotel where Brian has parked his unassuming looking “company vehicle”.

Mysteriously, parked just behind Brian’s car was a Rolls Royce Silver Shadow. Champagne in color. I recall Brian saying he didn’t care for the shade. (Those Canuckleheads. They’re almost Euro they’re so snotty.)

The Rolls had a license plate that read HAKIM 3. Not to be confused with HAKIM 1 or HAKIM 2. Which exist. All owned by the same man. A man who controls most of the eyeglass business in Canada.

Brian finds the hotel valet, a very senior and very courteous man. Brian hands him his parking ticket, and the valet hands Brian the keys to the Rolls.

The affair had begun. A terrible downward spiraling series of events were possibly about to begin.

Brian and I gave each other that knowing glance. This was clearly a test. Or a trap.

In younger days with “the company”, we wouldn’t have thought anything and would have jumped in the Rolls for a joyride.

In those younger days, we probably would have had a more liquid lunch. Eight feet tall and invisible, we would have been drinking Courvoisier and smoking cigars in HAKIM 3.

On Monday in Toronto, the Tamil population of Toronto had a downtown protest of over 40,000 people. There to protest the treatment of Tamils by Sri Lankans.

So, undoubtedly, we would have careened around a corner on two wheels and taken out a number of the Tamil Tiger supporters in their bright red t-shirts.

At this time, the police would have taken notice. As would the news media.

Brian and I would have jumped from the car and fled into the swarming crowd to allow our escape.

The media would show a Rolls Royce with HAKIM 3 license plates plowed into a group of Tamils in Toronto.

The Tamils would assume this was a sign from al Qaeda that their protest wasn’t going to steal their world stage. So the Tigers back home would have started killing more Muslims. So the Muslim world would unite to wipe out the Tamils, who are supported by a significant number of folks in India.

Mr. Hakim, the owner of the car, is Iranian by birth. This would have been identified by the media and the Iranians would have assumed it was a setup to make them look bad so they would launch nuclear Big Ahmed towards somebody. Probably Israel. So Israeli and U.S. war machines launch into action.

But further media investigation would reveal that Mr. Hakim escaped Iran during the Islamic Revolution and is a devout Catholic. So Rome would have sent secret messages to the Knights Templar with immediate worldwide repercussions.

But thankfully, with my quick thinking and Brian’s years of experience, we prevented all of it. Brian exchanged the keys and took me to the airport with no drama.

Oh, “the company”? A global powerhouse. Haggar Clothing.

In my pants you crazy Canadians.

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