Yes, honey, that wedding dress does make you look fat

The January issue of The American Journal of Preventive Medicine reports some astonishing news.

Women who are married or live with a partner gain more weight than women who don't.

Wow. Whoda thunk.

In a study of 6,000 Australian women over a 10 year period ending in 2006, they found women gained:

-20 pounds if she had a partner and a baby

-15 pounds if she had a partner and no baby

-only 11 pounds if she was childless and had no partner

-there was a steady weight gain by all women over the 10 years of study

Duh. Wonder how much this study cost and who paid for it. Could have asked three men in a bar in Brooklyn and they would have come up with the exact same conclusions for free.

More astonishing are the studious conclusions from academics who've read the study.

“It’s interesting and brings out some important points,” said Maureen A. Murtaugh, an associate professor of epidemiology at the University of Utah who has published widely on weight gain in women. Perhaps, she suggested, a more active social life may help explain why women with partners gain more weight.

(I've checked Ms. Murtaugh out on the world wide interweb. Attractive enough headshot, but no full body photos available. Hmmmmm.)

Perhaps not, perfesser.

Read Freakonomics. People do things because of incentives.

While she is in the hunt, she starves herself, works out, drinks lots of water and anything else necessary to fit into those size 4 jeans.

Once she has captured her prey, it's back to reality. Double caramel macchiatos, expandomatic pants, and three or four square a day. Usually while driving.

And thank goodness there is now scientific proof of this. Think of how much of our culture and industry depends on this.

Yo momma so fat jokes. There are multiple websites dedicated to them.

Control top pantyhose.

You know the words to at least one rap song. "I like big butts and I cannot lie."

The greatest television comedy in history, In Living Color, wouldn't have been nearly as funny without Mr. Brooks saying to Mrs. Brooks, "Looks like someone hit you in the ass with a waffle iron."

Diet foods, pills, drinks and books.

Dove soap ads featuring women with lots and lots of skin.

And great jokes such as, how do you make love to a fat girl? Ask the nearest man to tell you the punch line.

I met a woman of great stature at a Christmas party. She was seated beside the snack table and had claimed the guacamole for herself.

She looked at me and said, "I know what your thinking. But you are wrong. I'm not fat. I'm fluffy."

That put things in perspective.

This study included only women, but the researchers cited one earlier study that showed an increase in obesity among men who had children, adding further evidence that social and behavioral factors are part of the explanation.

Like hanging out in beer joints to get away from their fluffy wives.

The fact that I am writing this is proof of two further things.

My decision to take up with the bois d'arc in my backyard a few months ago was prescient.

And it proves why there are more men than women in the CIA.

Men are much better at hiding their intelligence.