Friday, April 16, 2010

Super Absorbent Tampons

It's a bad Friday night that starts with your grandson having a seizure.

Liam, my youngest grandson, had a high fever.


It caused him to have "seizure" like symptoms.

My baby girl, his mom, calls me in a panic asking what to do.

"Go directly to Children's Hospital. I'll meet you there as soon as I can get there."

So, she did. And I did.

Thankfully, whatever bug he has is a normal thing.

A dose of Motrin and he was back to normal.

Then his grandma started calling.

My daughter, all of 25, is trying to figure out if her son is dying from some unknown disease.

She's holding Liam and the phone rings in the emergency room stall that she's in.

Grandma can't find the hospital and instead of asking the hospital for directions, she is calling my daughter.

Can you spell stress?

"Hand me the phone."

"Look for the friggin' Children's Hospital sign and turn left."

Thankfully, Liam had a normal ear infection and amoxycillin will fix it.

And Motrin and Tylenol every other four hours will keep his fever down.

Grandma arrived and took charge.

She was quite sure the nurses had no clue.

The last time they took Liam's temperature was with one of those new-fangled deelybobs where they swipe that little suction cup across the kid's forehead and around to his jaw.

He was at 98.6.

Grandma was not so sure about this new-fangled instrument.

A rectal thermometer was more up her alley.

Because that's how you know the truth, she says.

She was over-ruled and Liam was set free to go home.

Being daddy-man and grandpa-king, I volunteered to go to the pharmacy.

Amoxycillin and bubble-gum flavored Motrin and Tylenol was fairly easy. Once my Hindi came back to me and I could speak to the pharmacist in their language.

But then there was the issue of Super Absorbent Tampons.

There is no Hell on earth like a man sent to buy feminine hygiene products.

So, as I stand there pondering, here comes a former neighbor.

She starts to explain to me the difference in sport tampons versus regular tampons versus absorbent tampons versus super tampons versus super absorbent plus tampons.

I'd had enough.

I have no idea what I bought, but it was enough.

All I could think of was my son-in-law.

He's at home waiting for a sick kid and a wife OTR.

If I could have bought him a bottle of scotch and a spliff I would have.

It's good to be a single grandpa.

All I wanted was to come home and slide gently to sleep.

But my 24 year old son had somewhere between 6 and a hundred friends bouncing to the Black Eyed Peas on the back porch.

I love all those kids.

But not tonight.

As the music bangs on the other side of the house, all I want is sleep.

I know how life changes with one phone call.

I've told them all to sleep here.

I do so love being a daddy.

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