Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Is is safe?

It's not that I don't like dentists. Have had several that were good friends.

It's sadists I don't care for.

Broke a tooth Sunday, and went in today to get it fixed.

If it weren't for the nitrous oxide gas high, I might never go.

I really hate the process.

I mean, look at that tool tray.

Hooks, needles, chisels, hammers. It's like being in "Saw V".

If you've ever seen "Marathon Man", you know what I'm talking about.

Oh, they lull you into submission with the aquarium in the lobby and the pleasant receptionist and the perky hygienists. (They are totally in on this evil game. Do not be fooled. They all love to torture.)

This morning they took advantage of me and gave me the gas. Then it began.

At one time, there was a turkey baster, a jackhammer, a 2 x 4 and four hands in my mouth.

It's big, but it ain't that big.

So you're at their mercy while they practice their evil craft.

The worst is that Novocaine needle. Why is it the size of LeBron James leg? And why is designed to put the fear of God into you? Couldn't they design it to look more like a Popsicle or a fried chicken leg? Something you wouldn't be so afraid to have stuck in your mouth?

And those sounds. You're numb, but you hear the grinding of your exoskeleton. And the worst one has that awful high-pitched whine, which is the sound of pain.

Three and half hours into the process, and there is a bale of cotton and several metal objects you don't want to know about in your mouth. And while their pounding on your teeth and jaw, they want you to move your friggin' tongue.

Oh, and "please don't swallow" while several gallons of Lord knows what is in the back of your throat.

Then, just as you want to call your Mommy to make 'em stop, they say "you're good to go". And just like that, they take your smack away and remove the gas mask.

So as you are trying to escape and still groggy from the whole macabre scene, the nice lady comes in and asks how you would like to take care of the $1 million that your insurance didn't cover today.

You gladly throw them a credit card and don't ask any stupid questions, like, can we discuss that?

All you want is out. To be alone and whimper in the safety of your car. Away from the chamber of horrors.

Dentists have told me that most of the people on earth have such rotten teeth and jaw disease that they walk around with mouth pain that we couldn't comprehend.

I'm thinking Haiti sounds pretty good right now.

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