Thursday, May 19, 2011

I got the headache



No, that ain't a mistype in the headline.

If you are Southren, you understand.

If by the lack of the grace of God you ain't, hang on tight and you'll be better for it.

In God's country, if you get the headache, everybody knows you get you a headache powder and it'll knock it out.

No aspirin, no capsule, no nothing can cure the headache like a powder placed on the back of the tongue and washed down with an icy cold Co-Cola.

But, recent developments on the headache powder front are reason for serious concern.

Those of us Southren were one of three types. A BC powder fambly. A Goody's powder fambly. Or for those from the other side of the tracks that could only afford cheap imitations, the fambly that would snap back with Stanback.

And those loyalties and subtypes were as real and strong as, well, Ford or Chivalet. Baptist or Methodist. Chopped or sliced pork sammich. You know, the real defining points.

Not so long ago, I was watchin' some racin' and noticed the stupidest TV commercial ever.

In one commercial, they's selling you both BC and Goody's. Like they were on the same team.

Well, this here world wide interweb is pert handy. I checked some things out. And the news ain't good.

All the headache powders were invented in Nawth Calina. Don't know why. Don't matter. They was.

But now, some Yankee operated bigshot company has bought up both BC and Goody's! And they have the gall to act like the Hatfield's and McCoy's have kissed and made up. This just ain't right.

And to make it worser yet, some nabob at the bigshot company has messed with my BC powder packaging. You know, the one you buy at the Jitney Jungle. The three pack.

Used to be you had that handy red string you pulled and just easily opened the cellophane to get to your packets. But noooooooo.

Now, they have 'em gussied up in that kind of plastic that it takes scissors and golf language to open. The gawldarned thing is as hard to open as my ex-wife's mind.

I mean, what the heck was wrong with it the way it was? It cured the headache for 100 years without some bunch of lawyers and marketing types messin' up a perfectly good thing.

And here's the nastiest part yet.

Have you noticed (if you're a BC man) that you don't get quite that same feelin' as you used to once you got it down your throat?

Well, the braniacs at GlaxoSmithKline (sounds like a law firm to me, but they are the owners of both BC and Goody's) changed the dadgummed formula.

The ORIGINAL BC powder had a little something in it called salicylamide. The new one don't.

Have no idear what that stuff did, but it did something. All I know is the new one has a little hitch in it's git-along.

We need some serious investigating here.

Where is Lewis Grizzard when you really need him?

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