$279,000 No Pest Strips

If this photo doesn't get you excited, those of us who do go into heat when seeing this don't understand.

I've liked cars since I was a little kid.  I earned Arrowhead points as a Cub Scout for being able to identify different makes, models, and years of cars.  

The beauty pictured above is a Porsche 911 Turbo S.  

My wife is car-agnostic.  If she sees an SUV in the same color as hers, she'll just as likely get in that car in the parking lot as not.  They all look the same to her.  I've seen her get into a car similar to hers with people in that car!

She doesn't understand the Porsche 911 Turbo S.  It's too small.  It's kinda ugly.  And why would someone buy an expensive car and have No-Pest strips on the wheels?

If you were born after 1980, you may not remember No-Pest strips.  Because they were outlawed for being poisonous, cancer-causing nightmare machines.  

They were a garish yellow strip that hung where there were flying, biting insects. Especially in the un-airconditioned kitchen in the middle of a muggy Southern summer.  

That's what my wife thinks yellow Brembo brake calipers look like.  

Brembo is an Italian company that manufactures high-quality brakes.  In order to stand out, they paint their calipers different colors.  First, red for Formula 1.  Then yellow.  The luring public got hooked.  

It has led to BDS, brake derangement syndrome.  No car is cool unless it has brightly colored brake calipers.  

It has gotten so crazy that you can buy vinyl brake caliper covers if you're ride didn't come equipped properly.  Upgrade dad's (or grandma's or junior's) hooptie today!

So, perhaps my wife is smarter about colorful brake calipers than the average man.  If I could get my hands on some No-Pest strips, I could launch a profitable side hustle.

I'd call it the Oh So Fly No-Fly Zone.  

Dry Wheat Toast

My sweet wife and I like ice cream.  

Here in Dallas, Braum's is one of the leading ice cream purveyors.  Good, solid enterprise based in Oklahoma City.  Vertically integrated, meaning that they own their own dairy cow operation.  It is a unique combination of a fast food/ice cream restaurant.  Each store also has a small market inside offering dairy products,  baked goods, beverages, frozen entrees, meats, and produce.

Very recently, we went through the drive-thru for our evening ice cream treat.  

My wife wasn't supposed to be eating dairy products.  She just wanted a brownie. 

So, knowing that Braum's has brownies that they use in their brownie fudge sundae, I ordered my double-dip cone of cherry limeade and orange sherbet, and a brownie.  

The good folks at Braum's have a rule.  You cannot order "market" items through the drive-thru.  This helps with speedy service.  I was aware of that rule.  

My order was immediately met with the following response: "We don't serve market items through the drive-thru."  

My stupid meter went off and with blood pressure rising, I responded curtly:  "You sell brownie sundaes thru the friggin' drive through.  Give me a brownie, cause I know you can do it!!"

Again, "We don't serve market items through the drive-thru!"

As I began to order a brownie fudge sundae, hold the cherry, hold the whipped cream, hold the fudge sauce, hold the ice cream, my wife patted my arm and said, "I'll just have a cheeseburger."  

She sensed the inevitable battle and took away the issue.  She should be the Swiss Ambassador for World Peace.  

Oh, the opportunity missed.  I might have ended up in The Dallas Morning News if they printed more than 8 pages a day.  Not sure my verbal whipping of the night manager at Braum's would earn space in the tiny area where they print news.  

The next day, I went to Loew's Home Improvement.  I needed a bolt and a nut to repair my beloved but aging Traeger. 

By myself, I found the hardware aisle and the nuts and bolts cabinet.  By myself because there is no help anymore in these warehouses of stuff.  It's why Ace Hardware is still doing well.  They have knowledgeable people who work there.  

I digress.  I found the size bolt and nut I needed.  Went home, inserted the bolt, tried the nut, and discovered it was a lock nut.  Not what I needed. 

So, back to Loew's.  (What's your average number of trips to Lowe's or Home Depot on simple projects?  Mine is three.)

Again, I found the hardware aisle and the nuts and bolts cabinet. I open the drawer with the size I need, and there are zero nuts to be found.  Except for one free-roaming wing nut in the size I needed.  Everything in the drawer was sold packaged in groups of three.

I took my bolt and their wingnut to the front.  First, I asked the cashier who was in charge of the self-service cashier machines.  Impossible to check you out, sir, with no barcode. Please try customer service.  

I did.  The nice lady at customer service had no idea what to do.  An elderly man, who I believe is one of those folks who is supposed to help you, looked at the situation and told the nice lady to tell me, "It is impossible to help you."

The customer service lady then paged the manager.  Several responded over the walkie-talkie, each saying they had no solution.  "Could you come back another day, sir?"

I was about to give them the dry wheat toast speech made by Jack Nicholson's character in Five Easy Pieces.  

I offered to pay a dollar for the wingnut that retailed for about 13 cents.  That was impossible to run through their system as well.  

Finally, another manager was located.  I explained the problem.  He said, "Just take the wingnut.  I don't believe it will crash our profit margin."

Problem solved.  

Corporate America has its head so far up its butt and is so ruled by IT systems and rules that providing customer service is impossible. 

Unless you have one sane person who knows how to say yes.